16 Sep TWO THINGS to Avoid When Dating! (Hint: Can Happen on Planes)
Hello Love Ninja — I’m about to deliver the best dating advice for people who feel clueless and seem to crash and brun.
Searing Epiphany #1: Sharing Intimate Details Isn’t Intimacy
What’s the most intimate thing you’ve revealed to a seat mate on a long airplane flight? Please leave a comment and tell me! I really want to know.
In my case, I rambled on to a complete stranger about how I caught my boyfriend cheating and detailed my emotional breakdown and probably what I was wearing when it happened.
In return, he told me he was cheating on his wife and was coming back from a liaison with a mistress overseas and that they picked up a prostitute for a threesome. I wrote about it here.
After the plane ride, I had what I call the too-much-intimacy-too-soon-due-to-airplane-prison (#TMITSDTAP).
I definitely had to detox and didn’t tell anyone anything for at least a month after that. The same phenomenon can happen on first dates. Everyone wants to make a good impression.
But for those of us on the hunt for a significant other, we can fall prey to the too-much-intimacy-too-soon-because-my-ovaries-are-dying. (#TMITSBMOAD.)
Do not … and I repeat … do not overshare in the first month of dating another human. Sharing intimate details isn’t intimacy. True intimacy is earned over time because it takes time to build trust.
Epiphany #2: Committing Quickly, Isn’t Commitment
A recent client of mine was thinking of purchasing a house and mentioned it to a man with whom she’d had four dates.
He told her not to buy a house right now; implying they might want to buy one together in the future. WTF?
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Even if he meant it when he said it, he didn’t mean it. They hadn’t had sex yet and he’d been really trying to bring that home — this was one tactic, whether conscious or not.
And if he did mean it. What’s wrong with that guy? Who dates a woman four times and implies he might want to buy a house with her? Could be Stalker Material.
When it comes to love — and even new friendship or business relationships. Go slow. If you feel yourself pressing for quick intimacy and commitment — check yourself. What do you need that you’re not providing for yourself?
- Are you hoping someone will support you financially?
- Are you seeking approval from a person you think is better than you or more powerful than you?
- Are you wanting a child at all costs?
- Are you bored and think you need some excitement?
- Do you have a deep childhood wound you’re trying to heal without doing the hard individual work?
Whenever you find yourself the object of someone who is pushing for intimacy, commitment and/or sex too soon, that’s a RED FLAG to slow things down to see who this person really is over time.
If he/she is a user or a love addict, they’ll fall away. If not, things could work out.
If you are the person needing quick intimacy and commitment, that’s a RED FLAG your motivation may be stemming from insecurity, low self-esteem or neediness. Our motives are everything. Make sure you’re aware of yours.
Feel free to email me using the address on my contact page if you need feedback. Much love, S
The best dating advice signing out.
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