05 Jun Night No. 2 “The Velvet Tongue” from 101 Nights of Great Sex
As some of you may be aware I had a mild midlife-crisis moment a month or so ago after dancing in a gay club with attractive, sweaty young men who humored me.
I came home a bit disgruntled by the sexual stasis in my long-term relationship with probably the kindest, most loving man in the world. We discussed it and, although he was too tactful to admit it, I suspect things have been just as routine for him.
CUT TO: A letter in my mailbox from this gorgeous lady, Laura Corn, Authoress of 101 Nights of Great Sex.
(BTW this is NOT A SPONSORED POST, I’m being paid nada to write this, I’ve just become a fan).
Laura liked some of my married sex oeuvre and wanted to connect.
I instantly adored her sense of humor, warmth, openness and charm and was thrilled when she offered to send me a copy of her book (A New York Times bestseller vetted by none other than my arch-nemesis Gwyneth Paltrow) because I’d mentioned my sexual rut.
The book arrived like the Calvary on Monday.
When I opened it I was startled to see what I thought were a bunch of blank pages, but then after deeper perusal, I realized each page was a little envelope that you had to tear out of the book and pry open.
And inside each one of the 101 little envelopes is a sexual task.
Some of these tasks are meant for HER EYES only. And some of these tasks are meant for HIS EYES only. And you’re not supposed to let your partner know what your task entails as part of the success of seduction is the element of surprise! (This also works well for bank heists, just FYI).
So, with the permission of my husband, we are going to take you through our 101 nights of great sex, using this book.
We are probably not going to go in order, because some tasks require extended planning to execute, so we might bounce around.
And there’s also the chance this could take millennium to complete thanks to our bosses (who are 11 and 13 and very demanding). But by God we are going to do it!
I ripped open my first envelope on Friday night. It was Night No. 2, provocatively titled “The Velvet Tongue.”
I’m going to attempt keeping this as PG-13 as possible. “The Velvet Tongue” is unbelievably simple. All you need is a man and any kind of HOT LIQUID.
I bade Henry get in bed. We somehow managed to have two hours of an empty house as our daughters were off hitting softballs (why is it everything I write now sounds to my brain like a sexual innuendo?).
I went into the kitchen and turned the tea kettle on. From the bedroom Henry yelled, “The sound of boiling water does not inspire confidence!”
I yelled something back along the lines of, “Shut up and get naked!” He didn’t reply as, I can only assume, he was disrobing at lightening speed.
Once the water was good and hot I poured it into a cup with a Celestial Seasonings Orange Blossom herbal tea bag (again, sexual innuendos coming, so to speak, to mind.)
I dropped one ice cube in the hot tea to help it cool a bit faster then headed for the darkened bedroom where I could just make Henry out, sprawled atop the coverlet like Venus on the Half-Shell. (A striking simile, I know)
“What’s that in your hand?” Henry asked suspiciously.
“What are you planning to do to me? Will I ever be able to walk again?”
“Stop talking if you want any Action.”
I was met by a grudging acquiescence. I carefully took a large sip of the piping, aromatic brew then brought my lips to Henry’s and kissed him with some of the tea still in my now hot mouth.
A kind of surprised YELP issued from my husband, followed almost instantaneously by a response just as steamy as the tea on my night table. I had to actually slow things down. Pulling away and taking another sip of the tea.
Then I made my way down his now quite alert and engaged body letting some of the hot liquid escape from my mouth as I went.
For those of you in my age bracket you might remember the Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza was caught nude after swimming in a cold pool by an attractive woman.
He was devastated because the cold water caused “shrinkage,” his male member contracting like a frightened turtle back into its shell.
I’m here to tell you that hot water has the exact opposite effect.
When all was not-said, and well-done I could not BELIEVE how such a simple little trick, one that took almost no effort at all, had such an incendiary effect!
I’d have to say, and I think my man would concur, that we very much enjoyed “The Velvet Tongue” and are looking forward to opening the next folded envelope.
By the way, I intend to tell the truth and nothing but the truth about how successful each task turns out to be. xo S