Are You?

  • Single and afraid to date because you always pick toxic people (aka you don’t trust your Love Picker)?
  • Single and don’t think you’re attractive enough to get the man or woman you’d like?
  • In a one-way relationship where you give and give, but get little to nothing in return?
  • In a relationship where your partner is flaky, commitment-phobic, narcissistic and/or unfaithful?
  • In a relationship where your partner constantly criticizes you?
  • In a relationship that’s going nowhere, even though you’d like it to?
  • In a relationship that’s got you baffled and confused?
  • Unable to leave a painful relationship even though you desperately want to?

Do You?

  • Feel unworthy of committed, consistent, heartfelt love?
  • Feel that no matter how you change or what you do, you will never find someone you’re actually attracted to who will treat you right?
  • Want to marry and have a family, but have no idea how to get there?
  • Feel bitter and cynical about love?
  • Think you should have figured all this out a long time ago and that you’re too old to start now?
  • Worry that you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone?

As your coach I’m going to help you walk through and kick out these …

Limiting Beliefs & Self-Defeating Fears & Learned Helplessness!

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Shannon Colleary Coaching

How I Coach

  • I meet you where you are today & help you get to where you want to be using goal-setting & bite-sized actions.
  • I help you identify your Core Values and articulate/design your Relationship Vision.
  • I’m your partner in achieving and holding you accountable for your self-set goals.
  • I keep you focused on the vision you’ve set or help you recalibrate should it shift as you progress.
  • I’m your sounding board for decision-making.
  • I help you learn what Healthy Boundaries are and how to set and stick with them.
  • I’m your source of non-judgmental support.
  • I’m your cheerleader, helping you step outside of your comfort zone.
  • I’m your jet fuel.

“Shannon has incredible empathy and is an astute listener, always affirming that she understands what I’m saying and gives me strong validation for the challenges I share with her.

“She then gently guides me to come up with a game plan I actually feel excited to follow through with.

In just four short weeks with Shannon my communication skills with my wife have improved drastically and I’ve begun to feel hopeful about our future!” — Hermann M.

The Benefits of Working with Shannon

  • No bossy advice, only suggestions based on what you’ve shared with me, who you are and how you operate.
  • Each week I’ll help you set goals that you can 100% buy into, so you feel personally motivated to complete them.
  • After each conversation I’ll send you a document covering what we discussed and the goals you set so you can hold them in your hand and see them in black and white. These notes will be your weekly road map.
  • As an objective person with no agenda for you, I can help you look at your challenges from all different angles, so you can get a new perspective on how to approach them.Shannon Colleary Coaching
  • I’ll help you discover what you can control so you can let go of being controlling toward other people. This will empower you to reach attainable goals.
  • I’ll help you push the envelope by nudging you out of your comfort zone, helping you reach more and more without being consumed by the process.
  • I’ll help you make better decisions because your focus will be clearer and well-defined.
  • I’ll help you ask for what you want from yourself and others.
  • I’ll help you to stop tolerating the inappropriate, hurtful behaviors of others.
  • I’ll help you come from a more positive place, looking at life in a more positive way. You will learn to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
  • I’ll help you strengthen your support system so you’ll have a Mental Health Village when your work with me is done. 

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A Little About “Core Values”

Core values are guiding principles with which most people govern their lives. It’s my job to help you find your core values so you can incorporate them into your goals and ultimate vision for your life.

Some of those core values might be:

  • Having a family you can raise in a stable, loving environment.
  • Sharing your life with a smart, funny, supportive, monogamous, trustworthy partner. (As you can see I loooooovvvveee adjectives. They can be really powerful.)
  • Having personal and work-life balance.
  • Having a daily spiritual component in your life.
  • Being able to travel whenever and however you like.Shannon Colleary Coaching
  • A love of pets and animals of all ilk. (I visited Robert Kennedy Jr’s home and he had an emu!)
  • Having a beautiful, peaceful home that you own.
  • Saying “yes” when you truly mean it, not because you want to be liked.
  • Giving back to your community.
  • Having a tattoo on each chakra.

As a coach it’s not about me. I will not try to foist my core values onto you. It gets to be all about you and finding those things you hold dear, but may have buried in order to be where you are in the present.

Crafting Your “Personal Vision”

Shannon Colleary Coaching

After you’ve discovered your Core Values it’s time to craft your Personal Vision.

Many experts on leadership and personal development (Stephen Covey, Peter Senge) emphasize how vital it is for you to craft your own personal vision for your life.

A powerful vision can help you succeed far beyond where you’d be without one. 

That vision can propel you. 

I’ve learned from working with clients in my practice that if you don’t identify your vision, others will plan and direct your life for you.

What Does Your Vision Include?

~ Raising happy, well-adjusted kids?

~ Writing a bodice ripper?

~ Owning your own zoo?

~ Living in an oceanfront yurt?

~ Being as fit as Hugh Jackman?

~ Visiting Machu Picchu?

~ Having a tattoo on each chakra?

My First Job

… is asking questions that help you figure out your personal vision. Like:

~ What are you good at?

~ What do you love to do?

~ What aren’t you good at now, but you’d like to be?

~ When you think of your future, what would you like it to look like in one year? Five years? Ten years?

My Second Job

… is to remind you of the Payoffs you’ll receive by going for your vision. Like:

~ Greater self-love, self-esteem, self-knowledge & happiness.

~ Better communication skills.

~ The ability to ask yourself the right questions so you keep on track.

~ Being of service without draining your jet fuel.

Why I Can Help

First and foremost I’m an ICF-approved Certified Professional Life Coach.

But what makes me particularly astute in relationship recovery is that I faced a lot of the same turmoil as my clients and walked the walk into a now 16-year marriage with a man I never dared dream I’d have in my life.

Shannon Colleary Coaching

(I learned how to set healthy emotional boundaries and love this little chiquita.)

My parents divorced when I was two-years-old. They were good people who loved and wanted me. But, both of them had wounded inner children from their own upbringings.

My mom married four times before I was 14, but it was her second marriage, from the time I was 4-years old until I was 9, that impacted my future love life the most.

My mom’s second husband was emotionally abusive. He lied, criticized and cheated. This caused my mom to self-medicate with wine and her justified anger sometimes turned physical.

Because my mom, in admittedly pop psychology jargon, was enmeshed and codependent with her husbands, she was unpredictable and inconsistent with me.

My way of making her “be there” for me was to try to fix her problems. This set me up for patterns of caretaking, controlling and my very own enmeshment and codependency tendencies.

When my mom’s second marriage ended and she struggled to recover, I moved in permanently with my dad.

Shannon Colleary Coaching

(One of my core values was to laugh more. Our marriage has the normal challenges; money, aging, teenage eye-rolling daughters, when’s the last time we had sex? But boy can we laugh.)

My dad’s father was a compulsive gambler and his mother was a disappointed, negative, critical woman. My father inherited some of those traits so I spent a great deal of my life trying to impress and be perfect for my dad.

Both of these circumstances set me up to love and caretake critical, inconsistent, unreliable, unfaithful and emotionally chaotic men.

Most of my 20s and early 30s were spent obsessing over, trying to fix, manipulate and control, trying trying trying to change two different toxic men.

I hit rock bottom when I caught one of them cheating on me. My visceral pain and shame drove me into life-altering therapy and a spiritual recovery program. I worked my recovery as if my life depended on it. Which it did.

I took responsibility for my own life in the present, giving up my beloved martyr/victim role in order to end my “Learned Helplessness” and took note of and worked on releasing and replacing my Limiting Fears and Self-Defeating Beliefs.

Because of my hard work I’ve had the privilege of living in my core values and achieving my personal vision.

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“Shannon brings great clarity to all of our conversations. I told her I was feeling ‘undervalued’ in my marriage. She helped me understand I had a lot deeper, more painful feelings around my situation by simply asking me deeper questions.

“She helped me to also see all the positives in my current situation so I wouldn’t be tempted to make black or white decisions. We’ve set out practical, achievable goals for me to feel empowered in my marriage until and unless it’s time for me to make a more bold change.” — Deana S.

How We Start – The Foundation Session

Our first session will run 9o minutes long, because the most important goal for this session is for me to get to know you.

By carefully listening and asking questions I want to understand who you are, how you learn and begin to discover the little gems your story offers that will help us discover your core values and personal vision.

By the end of our call we will have identified some long-term goals and some bite-size short-term goals I will ask you to complete by our following session.

Again, these will be goals that have come FROM YOU. I will help you to find them, but you won’t want to work as hard to reach them if I simply tell you what to do. 

This will be an ongoing process throughout our coaching, because as I begin to know who you are and dig a little deeper each session, you will also begin to learn more about yourself and what you truly desire.

To borrow from Sigmund Freud, I like to think of this process as:

Drilling Down Into the Iceberg

Without going into psychological detail, I’ll allow the image at the left to serve as an example.

As we’ve come to understand, we live most of our lives only using 10% of our brain aka our Conscious Brain, which is the part of the iceberg above the waterline.

Often we have very little knowledge of what’s going on with the other 90% of our brain aka the Subconscious Brain.

Yet that’s the part of the brain that is doing a lot of our decision-making for us.

Good coaching helps you drill down into the subconscious mind to bring up the things that block you from your deepest desires. Once we identify these blocks you can set goals to move past them.

We Will Identify Blocks

I mentioned Learned Helplessness, Limiting Fears & Self-Defeating Beliefs above.

These are the main blocks that will emerge.

You might be suffering from Learned Helplessness if you answer “yes” to any of these questions:

  • Do you feel stuck in a bad situation?
  • Do you tend to give up easily?
  • Do you feel that no matter what you do, your life will follow a pattern that is out of your control?
  • When you succeed at something do you feel like it’s just a fluke?

Learned Helplessness …

… results from being trained to be locked into a system. The system may be a family, a community, a culture, a tradition, a profession or an institution.

Initially the system develops for a specific purpose. But as the system evolves, it increasingly tends to revolve around beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos that serve the continuation of the system.

Awareness of the original purpose fades and the system starts to function automatically. It calcifies.

The beliefs, shifted in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways, to ensure that they continue. And those beliefs are trained into the people that comprised the system.

For instance, I have a client who struggles with compulsive spending. Her shame about the spending keeps her from feeling worthy of love.

We’ve had to work on her learned helplessness around money. Because in her family system her father controlled all the money, often using it to reward and punish his children.

With my client he made sure she had most of the things she needed – food, shelter and clothes once a year — but never what she wanted, which was just a little generosity. 

My client feels like she can’t control money in a healthy manner because on some level her father is still in charge of the money (or at least her relationship to it).

Becoming aware of this “learned helplessness” has given my client the desire to set goals to start taking responsibility for and charge of her money by tackling her compulsive spending.

Her bite-sized goals (canceling all retail catalogues, no longer going to the mall for lunch, starting a savings account, paying off her debt one-day-at-a-time) are helping her move past this block.

Self-Defeating Fears

Fear is a way of resisting change.

Our resistance keeps us from having to do what makes us uncomfortable.

A fabulous anagram for fear is: FEAR Future Events Appearing Real.

Here are some of the things you may fear when it comes to attracting, changing or leaving romantic relationships.

~ Fear she’ll leave if you don’t give and give and give, while getting nothing in return.

~ Fear of putting yourself out there to date, because you’ll just get hurt.

~ Fear if you check to see if he’s cheating that you’ll discover he is, and then you’ll have to take some kind of action.

~ Fear if you don’t give him all-sex all-the-time he’ll find it elsewhere.

~ Fear you’ll get what you want, and then you won’t want it!

These can be some daunting fears.

But the fact is, they haven’t happened yet and our fears of the future rarely, if ever, manifest.

With a good game plan you’ll be able to move past them to take actions that move your life forward.

You’ll recognize when a fear is cropping up, acknowledge it, then keep heading for your vision, regardless of what anyone else thinks you should do. 

Limiting Beliefs

These are thoughts and statements that you perceive as real, regardless of whether they’re true or not.

Usually a belief  comes from past experiences, as these events cause you to make up a belief to explain them.

A limiting belief may also come from what you feel society expects of you, i.e.:

A young teenage girl viewing pictures of thin models on a magazine cover develops a belief that “I must be thin or I’m not beautiful.”

Even a painful belief may be a way to protect yourself so you won’t move out of your comfort zone.

Beliefs like:

~ I’m not good enough and my hair is ridiculous.

~ I’m too old/too young/too smack in the middle.

~ I have to say “yes” or people will leave or won’t like me.

~ There’s no such thing as a happy relationship/marriage. Just look at Branjelina.

As I get to know you, I’ll be able to help you unearth the beliefs that aren’t supporting your love vision.

Once you spot those beliefs lurking in that subconscious portion of your mental iceberg, it’s harder for them to hide out, because now we’ve brought them up into our Conscious Brain where we can deal with them.

Removing Blocks

First, I will not attempt to remove your blocks by forcing my beliefs on you. Instead, it’s my job to step into your shoes and see the world from your point of view.

This way we can both approach your blocks with compassion and understanding. It is essential that you approach any kind of personal recovery with self-compassion, rather than self-criticism. 

None of us had perfect parents. We’ve all been through a certain amount of parental shaming and criticism, because our parents also went through some kind of parental shaming and criticism in their upbringing.

So it’s essential that we don’t use shame or criticism as tools for change. This always backfires. I will always be on your team, rooting for you, and will help you to do the same thing for yourself!

This is the coaching process for removing blocks:

  1. Identify the block and where it came from.
  2. Become aware of how the block is currently serving you. (Yes, you are most likely getting something positive from a block, which is keeping you stuck.)
  3. Come to believe that belief structures can be changed.
  4. Take daily positive action until the belief is marginalized or gone completely.

Shannon Colleary Coaching

The first step is to recognize there is a problem. Then we develop a practice that brings attention to the problem and to the patterns that underlie it. 

Finally, we continue that practice, regardless of what arises, until the problem is gone.

“I had no idea I was wallowing in Learned Helplessness when it came to my love life.

“I was constantly frustrated because I was never getting my needs met from my boyfriend. Whenever I came to Shannon with a problem that seemed hopeless she would ask, ‘What part of this is within your control?’

“Just that simple question changed my life. I was able to set small goals about implementing healthy boundaries in my relationship and the more I respect those boundaries the more my boyfriend respects them too.” — Mercedes P.

A Good Coach Offers Empathy & Support, but Also Accountability

As a coach I guide and support you to achieve your goals by holding you accountable for your completing them. I will give you gentle, consistent reminders of the commitments you’ve made.

It’s very important for me to be sure these actions aren’t something you “think” you should do (to please me or others), but are truly coming from you and your heartfelt desire for change in order to reach your core values and vision.

We’ll take time at the end of each session to focus on what work you want to do for the upcoming week. Some weeks you might not be sure which actions you want to take and we can continue digging for your core values and vision.

But if you do select actions it’s my job to hold you accountable for taking them by our next session. I’ll ask you if you worked on our agreed plan of action and honored your commitments.

I will acknowledge and validate whatever you’ve accomplished and review what you were unable to accomplish so we can explore the blocks that turned up in your life to prevent your progress,

Here are some common reasons some clients stop from moving forward:

  • Too busy — this may signal unwillingness of priority issues.
  • Fear — a block/limiting belief
  • A change in your priorities — the goal many no longer be important or has lost its priority.
  • Not yet ready for change.

At the end of our follow-up session you will make the adjustments that need to be made to tasks that weren’t completed and/or develop new ones to work on in the upcoming week. This process with repeat each week.

Setting Smart Goals

Coaching is a results-oriented process. Throughout our work together you will be setting goals — immediate, short-term, long-term – and I’ll support you in achieving them by taking specific steps.

But it’s important to make them S.M.A.R.T. Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Time-limited.

Shannon Colleary Coaching

In order to know whether your goals are smart I’ll ask you various questions. For Example:

Goal: “I want to be in a good relationship.”

Question: “How will you know when you’re in a good relationship?”

“I’ll know I’m in a good relationship when I don’t feel crazy or controlling, when I feel safe, loved and happy.”

If your goals aren’t tangible or measurable, we can rate the current situation and desired outcomes on a scale of 1 to 10. For example:

“Where is your relationship today?” A client might say, “it’s at a ‘4’.” Question: “Where would you like it to be in 90 days?” Answer: “At an ‘8’.”

Q: “How would you know you had an ‘8’ in terms of your relationship?” A: “When I know our goals are aligned and I no longer feel like I have to control or push my partner.”

For these types of middle and long-term goals we’d need to break them down into smaller more specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-oriented actions, perhaps like:

  • Finishing a Vision Board by our next session of how you want your ‘good relationship’ to look.
  • If you’re single, going to a Christian singles meetup, because you’d like to have a relationship with someone of the same faith.
  • Going to a Twelve-Step meeting to see if that program can help you work through codependency.
  • Focus on doing things that will make you feel good about yourself; like developing a healthy meal plan or exercise routine within the next 30 days so you can grow your self-esteem which will invite better partners.

You’ll keep it simple and make SMART goals and take BITE-SIZED actions to get where you want to go in a reasonable time frame.

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Coaching Time Frame

I highly recommend that you coach with me for three months, because that’s right about the time that you can track measurable progress.

This is not a requirement to work with me. I’ve had success in as little as one month to get a client back on track to move full steam ahead, three months is merely a suggestion.

You are the one who gets to tailor how this coaching relationship will work for you. 

Tools

Some of these tools are based on Twelve-Step recovery in CODA, but you do not need to be a practitioner of Twelve-Step recovery to get tons of value from them.

Shannon Colleary Coaching

  • Core Values, Goal-Setting & Love-Life Vision Self-Discovery Sheet (SDS)
  • Setting S.M.A.R.T. Goals to Handle Your Love Challenges SDS
  • Spiritual Workout SDS 
  • The Resentment Cure SDS
  • Crushing Your Blocks Journal
  • Your S.M.A.R.T Dating Plan
  • The Top 10 Best Books (besides mine) for Loving & Dating Healthy

The Features & Benefits of Shannon’s Coaching Program

Features

  • Shannon Colleary CoachingYou’ll receive a paperback copy of my book, She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy: How to Go from Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises.
  • You can choose between face-to-face meetings on Zoom or audio-only phone calls if you’d prefer more anonymity.
  • You will have email support between sessions should you need it.
  • You’ll be invited to join my private Facebook support group which I’ll moderate, answering any burning questions. This is especially great because often other people will ask questions you wanted the answers to, but were unaware of.
  • You’ll be given special discounts on any future workshops, webinars, seminars or online courses.
  • The Smart Dating Plan (as mentioned).

Benefits

  • If you’re dating, you will instantly recognize toxic behavior and have a clear vision of the partner/relationship you want.
  • You’ve identified your core values and live by them despite your fears.
  • You have greater awareness of your blocks and know how to move past them.
  • You become aware of your own self-defeating behavior and have tools for changing it.
  • You accept you cannot control others, that the only person you are responsible for changing is yourself.
  • You recognize when you’re self-abandoning and instead set healthy boundaries.
  • You’ve built a community that supports your emotional recovery.
  • (Only if this is right for you) You’ve developed a powerful connection to a Higher Power of your own Understanding. 
  • You’ve accepted your past and understand how it affects you today, but let go of using your story to justify staying stuck. 
  • You respect yourself and remain dedicated to your own personal growth and recovery.
  • You allow your romantic partner and others to be responsible for their own lives.
  • You believe you deserve the love you desire and feel ready for it.
  • You are no longer a victim and know how to ignite your own jets!

Shannon’s Coaching Packages

As mentioned, our first session — which I like to call our FOUNDATION SESSION — happens after you enroll in one of my packages.

Coaching Packages

All packages include:

A tailored program designed to help you gain clarity, identify your goals and achieve success. 

We’ll incorporate tools with creative approaches to help you move forward to your best life yet!

Our one-on-one coaching sessions will focus on:

  • Determining and designing your life goals.
  • Identifying the blocks that are preventing you from moving forward.
  • Creating action plans that are aligned with what’s most important to you.

This includes:

  • Four 60-minute coaching sessions per month by phone or Zoom per month.
  • Personalized weekly assignments to move you into action
  • Journaling inquiries to deepen your learning
  • Creative projects to tap into your intuition
  • Forms, worksheets, resources.
  • Two e-mail correspondences per week.
  • Membership in my private Facebook group.
  • A paperback copy of my book.

Again, I highly recommend opting into my 3-Month package to get optimal results, but for those on a budget I do offer two-Month and One-Month options.

Should you decide to proceed with me beyond these options I can pro-rate my fee.

One Month: (4 sessions) $595 or two payments of $299

Two Months: (8 sessions) $1,099 or 3 payments of $369

Three Months: (12 Sessions) $1,497 or 4 payments of $385

We can meet in time frames that work for you. I suggest once a week, but some clients like to work more slowly and others at an accelerated rate.

You get to decide what works best with your schedule and your life, though all payments will be a month apart.