05 Jul The 1st Step: Get Out of Isolation to End a Bad Relationship (Here’s How)
Why Georgia Can’t Quit Her Toxic Guy
“I know he’s bad for me. I know he won’t change. There are times I’m so sick of him, I don’t even want to see him anymore. Then why is it that the thought of permanently breaking up with him makes me feel like I want to die?“
A client I’ll call Georgia desperately wants to end a bad relationship. Yet she can’t seem to make the break up stick.
She lives far away from family and lifelong friends. She hasn’t developed meaningful friendships with co-workers (possibly due to her toxic situation). And her life seems to circle around her Asshat Jim, despite her best efforts to detach.
The Reasons We’re Attracted to Toxic People Are Myriad.
Even if we understand that our relationship with our love is similar to the toxic relationships we saw growing up; even if we know s/he’s exactly like our emotionally abusive stepfather or our neglectful birth mother; even if we intellectually understand each and every reason why we picked this person, it still won’t help us leave.
Because We’re Addicted.
And just like an alcoholic, quitting our addiction isn’t as simple as Mind-Over-Matter.
In my soon-to-be-released book, She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy; How to Go From Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises, I’ll go into much greater detail about the steps you can take to quit your addiction to toxic people and the emotional cycle-of-abuse (subscribe for updates here). But one of the very first steps you can take is to get yourself out of isolation.
Isolation Keeps You Stuck in the Toxic Relationship
When addicts abuse their drug-of-choice they’re ashamed.
And when we’re ashamed we hide, we isolate, we try to become invisible. We don’t want our friends and family to know what’s going on in our lives, because we don’t want them to judge us.
We already judge ourselves and we just can’t add more to our burden.
However, the More We Isolate with Our Addiction, the More Impossible It Is to End a Bad Relationship.
Even though it feels counter-intuitive to go out in the world when we feel we’re at our worst, that’s exactly what we have to do to begin to climb out of our pit of hell and back into the light.
This doesn’t mean running to friends and family who may indeed judge us. But rather to find people who know exactly what we’re going through, because they’re going through it themselves.
I specifically recommended that Georgia start attending a 12-step group. In her case Al-Anon would be a great fit because her man drinks and drugs.
“Al-Anon is a worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics. Whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help.”
Getting into rooms with people who are struggling with the same intense issues we’re struggling with can be a salve to our wounds. It helps bring us out of isolation and into the realm of the living.
I also recommend outreach phone calls to fellow members. These can be instrumental in helping when we feel weak and are tempted to relapse, leaping right back on the crazy train with our toxic love.
Picking up the phone and talking to a fellow sufferer who is working the same recovery program can actually cut off the impulse to relapse at the knees.
So if you find yourself isolating. Reach out.
And if you feel guilty about asking for help (and many of us dyed-in-the-wool caretakers feel super guilty about it), know that reaching out to others helps them as much as it helps you.
When I accept 12-step outreach calls I often gain more benefit than the caller.
You Don’t Have to End a Bad Relationship Alone.
There are many other people isolated by their embarrassing, toxic relationship. Reach out and connect. That’s your first step to healing and living your life.
If you think this article is helpful, please be sure to share it with your people. xoxo S