Honey, Would You Please Dominate Me?

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Newlyweds Margaret and David are still figuring out the sexual dynamics of their marriage.
In bed Margaret is soft. Demure. Enticing as Brigitte Bardot in And God Created Woman, with doe-like come-hither glances and marzipan hair.
She’s as tremulous as the surface of tea in a cup perched on a plate balanced on a stick spun by a juggler wearing nothing but support hose and a Harlequin’s hat while riding a unicycle on a stage full of untrained African elephants in heat.
She’s the kind of woman who succumbs to the whims of her man with nary a complaint, a kvetch or a criticism. In short, Margaret is a sex angel.
Yes, I prevaricate. Margaret is a bossy pants in the sack.
Turn left, twist right, must you make that sound that reminds me of two ferrets killing each other in our crawl spaces? Warmer, colder, too mucky, why are your nails so sharp? Have you buffed your feet? But I prefer you hairy. Can’t you shave? Move your elbow! Where is your tongue? Do you have a tongue? I know it was there last week. Have you been gambling? Did a Ukraine collector cut out your tongue? You taste like you’ve been drinking milk, go brush your tongue.
David has the patience of those guys waiting for Godot, attempting to follow all of Margaret’s directions.
This annoys Margaret even more, because despite her inability to shut up, Margaret doesn’t want to be in charge in bed. She does enough of that in life!
What she wants in bed is to be stripped of self-will and told what to do; she wants David to dominate her.
Just as Margaret begins to despair that her young marriage might not be sexually fulfilling … enter Claudius.
Claudius is a boy-man Margaret met in a writing workshop several years ago. They tend to see each other once every two years, when Claudius is in Los Angeles interviewing for jobs as a broadcast news reporter in his attempt to leap to a larger market.
Claudius is almost ten years younger than Margaret and a stunner. He’s half Filipino, half Caucasian and both ethnicities have melded to create a preternaturally patrician luminosity.
On top of his good looks, he’s smart, caustically funny and has won an Emmy for a news story he covered about a goat.
He tells Margaret this with a cocked brow. He’s in on the joke.
Throw in Margaret’s joie de vivre and zaftig insouciance and they should be cast in An Affair To Remember.
But here’s the thing. Claudius and Margaret are not attracted to each other. At all. There’s just something about that guy that reads, “annoying little brother” in her brain.
She can’t help giving him unsolicited advice about his love life and he can’t help listening. Sometimes she even scolds him.
Margaret loves the guy, but she just don’t looove the guy. And the feeling is mutual.
Yet when Claudius arrives to take Margaret for drinks, the usually low-key David gets a disgruntled expression on his face.
And when Margaret returns a few hours later David meets her at the door with a stormy countenance. He quizzes and probes, trying to see if there’s a crack in Margaret’s he’s-just-a-friend story.
It catches Margaret a bit off guard because she’s startled when she realizes that David is jealous.
David is jealous? The man who doesn’t bat an eye when Margaret comes home after midnight on a Thursday reeking of sweat from dancing at “Rage, “a gay bar in West Hollywood? The man who doesn’t check up on her during girl’s weekends with divorcees in Palm Springs?
This is new.
David stalks around Margaret as if he’s a lion pissing on the perimeter of his turf, and because he’s never like that, and because he’s gentle and doesn’t wear wife-beaters and drink brewskis, Margaret finds his jealousy — kind of hot.
She loves that this intellectual, sensible paragon becomes Tarzan to her Jane. He takes her straight to bed to remind her of who she belongs to, in case she’s forgotten. And his lovemaking is so intent and intense that Margaret doesn’t have the energy to say anything more than, “Oh, God.”
Don’t bother calling or knocking. Margaret’s taking this sexual sea change for all it’s worth, because she probably won’t see Claudius again until 2017.

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